


How to Make Mulled Wine

by A_Door



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M, Memories, Mulled wine, drunken conversations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-23
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:55:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28270494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Door/pseuds/A_Door
Summary: Severus has to deliver a report to Grimmauld Place. What he finds is Remus and Sirius making the worst mulled wine he ever had the misfortune to smell. Luckily Severus knows just what you need to make a perfect batch:- 500 ml red wine (dry)- 2-3 Cinnamon Sticks- 2-4 Cloves- Oranges (juice and slices), Lemons (slices), Apples (slices)- Honey- 2-4 Cardamom pods- 1 Vanilla pod- 1-2 star anise- a dash of Rum or Cointreau or whatever you have at home- optional: 500 ml of fruity tea (Christmas flavour)- former enemies to share it with
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15
Collections: Fanatical Fam's: Holiday Fic Exchange





	How to Make Mulled Wine

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tschulie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tschulie/gifts).



> Merry Christmas and thank you for being a wonderful, kind and funny person. <3

_ “Time can’t erase the memory of these magic moments filled with love.”  _

_ (Perry Como, Magic Moments) _

Severus is standing in front of the big wooden door, hesitating to open it. He stares at the silver knocker and the snake stares back at him, taunting him. A misty cloud forms in front of his pale face, his sigh turned into thousand miniscule droplets of water.  _ This is ridiculous _ , Severus chides himself and finally - with a flick of his wand - he pushes the door open, trying to be as quiet as possible.  _ Maybe no one will realise that I’m here _ , he tries to calm himself, while tip-toeing across the marbled floor of the entrance hall, carefully avoiding the umbrella stand. The huge portrait on the wall to his right is carefully hidden behind the curtains, though he can still hear the soft snoring of the inhabitant. Severus walks swiftly towards the stairs at the far end of the hallway. The house is quiet and seems deserted, but Black has to be here somewhere.  _ Maybe he is sleeping or feeding his damned Hippogriff _ . 

After a few steps down towards the basement, Snape starts to smell it.  _ Red Wine and Cinnamon.  _ He groans inwardly.  _ Of course he’s in the kitchen _ . Severus descends the last couple of steps, sneaking towards the open kitchen door, left slightly ajar. An eerie light is cast into the hallway. Severus can hear damped laughter from inside as well as a radio playing softly in the background. He really doesn’t want to go inside, but Dumbledore asked him to leave his report on the kitchen table, so that Hestia would find it tomorrow morning.  _ Maybe I can float it inside?  _ he considers for a moment.  _ Coward,  _ a mean voice inside his head whispers. Severus takes another step towards the door and peers inside. 

The room is lit by dozens of candles floating around the room. Black is standing next to the stove stirring something inside a large pot. He moves in a ridiculous way with the music, swinging his bum from one side to the other, laughing at a person next to him that Severus can’t see. Black’s face is relaxed, the smile genuine and big. He looks just like the boy Severus remembers so well from their time at Hogwarts. Well, only that boy had never once smiled at him in this way.  _ Sneered more likely... _

And then Lupin steps into Severus’ view. He has a half eaten chocolate bar in one hand. He wraps his arm around Black’s waist and whispers something in the other man’s ear. They both laugh softly, Black’s cheeks blush slightly. And then he turns his head and kisses Lupin, grabs his shirt and pulls him towards him.  _ Ah, so they finally figured that out... _ Severus pulls back, feeling more like an intruder than ever, but the door betrays him by making a small squeaking sound. Black and Lupin startle and turn around.  _ Oh for Merlin’s sake! _

“Severus, what are you doing here?” Lupin asks, sounding surprised and a little worried.  _ Is he afraid that I’m going to attack them _ ? He can definitely guess what Black is thinking, because the oaf has already pulled his wand, pointing it at Severus. 

“Thank you for the warm welcome,” he scoffs and steps into the kitchen, holding up his report to show them the reason for his visit. “Albus wanted me to drop this off for Hestia,” he adds and walks to the kitchen table in a casual stroll, feigning nonchalance. 

Lupin, who notices Blacks’ raised wand sighs and looks pointedly at the other man’s face. “Let’s all agree to act in a civilised manner,” he says in a calm soothing tone. Severus smiles a thin lipped smile, while Black answers with a noncommittal sound, but at least he drops his hand, turns around and continues stirring whatever it is he’s brewing. 

“So Severus, how are you?” Lupin asks, his casual tone obviously forced. Black snickers behind him. 

Severus sighs and says: “Let’s not torture ourselves with meaingless smalltalk, shall we?” He starts to turn around, but the penetrating wine and cinnamon smell bothers him and he can’t stop asking. “What _ are _ you two trying to make there? It smells horrible.” 

Black growls.  _ Oh the drama Queen. _

“We are making mulled wine.” Lupin says.

“I thought so,” Severus sighs. “You know, it should  _ not _ boil like that, especially with the cinnamon already added. Also, maybe some oranges and cloves wouldn’t hurt.” 

Black and Lupin look at him surprised. Black even forgets to frown.  _ Ok great, you’ve had a civil conversation, now get out!  _

“I’ve told you that we should have added some citrus fruit. She always put a lot of stuff in there,” Lupin says to Black, who only grumbles. 

“ _She_?” Severus asks, not able to stop himself _again_. 

“Yeah, we are trying to make the mulled wine that Lily always made around Christmas. She insisted on making it the Muggle way and it smelled and tasted like heaven,” Lupin says wistfully. Severus’ heart skips a beat.  _ The mulled wine that Lily always made… _

“Well then you are really making it all wrong,” he says quietly. 

_ “ _ Oh are we? What would  _ you  _ know about it?” Black sneers. 

“I’m the one who taught her how to make it,” Severus says and it feels wrong to share that with Lupin and Black of all people. Like they are going to take the memory away from him. “ _ You _ taught Lily how to make mulled wine the Muggle way?” Black asks like he’s never heard a more unlikely thing. 

“My father was a Muggle,” Severus responds simply. A short silence and then: 

“Could you make it for us?” Lupin sounds genuinely excited. 

“ _ What?! _ ” the other two men stare at him. 

“I’d really love to taste it again and Padfoot, love, you have to admit what you are brewing there is disgusting.” 

There is an awkward tension in the kitchen. Black is gripping at the wooden spoon in his hand, looking at Lupin with an intense stare. Severus can see the thoughts zipping around in his head. Black  _ obviously _ doesn’t _ want me to stay and hell, I really don't want to spend one second longer in the company of the overdramatic, stubborn bastard.  _ But... 

Severus can see the longing on Black’s face and it scares him how much he understands that look.  _ You should get out of here now! _ But he doesn’t move, just waits for Black to make up his mind. Severus is surprised by himself. Surprised that deep, deep down there is a part of him that wants Black to say: “Stay.” Well, the alternative would mean going back to his lonely quarters at Hogwart or to go check in at his post. Seeing  _ him _ , the one who took Lily from him forever.  _ And whose fault is that? _

There is a sharp pain in Severus’ chest, but he keeps breathing, concentrating on clearing his mind of the emotions that threaten to overtake him. His heart races. Lupin looks questioningly at him for a second, but turns his attention back to the scowling man at his side.  _ He can probably hear my heart beating!  _ Severus realises with a start and that certainly doesn’t help to keep the panic at bay.  _ You weakling, you can lie to the Dark Lord himself, but you can’t be in the same room with the most harmless werewolf on the planet and his ridiculous boyfriend?  _ Everything inside of him screams to get out. He takes a few steps towards the door.

“There are some oranges in the pantry,” Black’s voice says behind him and Severus can feel a spell zip past him and a door to his left swings open. “Spices are over here, in the second drawer from above. I’m going to get more wine from the cellar.” 

“Bring a bottle of Rum, if you have one,” Severus hears himself say. 

He turns around, looking at Black and Lupin, not quite believing what is happening.  _ You fool, you should go.  _ Lupin looks as surprised as Severus feels.

“I’m  _ not _ your errand boy, Snivellus,” Black hisses, looking at Severus as if daring him to contradict. Severus just shrugs and turns towards the pantry. 

Behind him he can hear Black swear softly, walking away, probably to go fetch the alcohol from the cellar. In the pantry, Severus takes a deep breath and allows himself a moment to let the tension leave his body, before he picks up five oranges, two lemons and an apple from a large fruit bowl. He walks back into the kitchen, composure regained. Lupin is still standing next to the stove with a small smile on his face. Thankfully he has already vanished the pitiful concoction that Black was working on. 

“Thank you for staying, Severus,” he says quietly and puts the cleaned pot back on the stove. 

“Don’t thank me yet, you might regret inviting me as soon as Black starts trying to kill me with a kitchen knife,” Severus says dryly. 

Lupin laughs. “As long as you finish making the mulled wine, I don’t care what the both of you get up to.” 

Severus snorts, takes a knife out of the top drawer and starts slicing the fruit. He uses three of the oranges to press out the juice by using a quick spell. 

“I thought you made it the Muggle way?” Black mocks as he gets back into the kitchen.

“Does the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black have a squeezer?” Severus asks pointedly. 

Black only grumbles and places two dusty bottles of red wine and a bottle of Cointreau on the kitchen counter. “I couldn’t find any Rum,” he says defiantly. 

Severus closes his eyes for a moment.  _ Merlin, give me strength.  _ “The Cointreau is better actually.” 

Black doesn’t look pleased.  _ Idiot.  _

“Do you need help with anything, Severus?” Lupin asks, while Black just strolls back towards the kitchen table, sitting down on a chair, making it obvious that he isn’t going to help. “Maybe you could get me some of the spices I need, cinnamon, cloves, star anise, maybe some cardamom pods and vanilla if you have that. I’ll also need some honey.” 

Instead of summoning them, Lupin starts to rummage around in cupboards, obviously glad that he has something to do. Severus opens the wine bottles with a flick of his wand, eliciting a snort from Black, that sounds suspiciously like “the Muggle way”. Severus’ fingers itch to go for his wand and cast a well placed itching charm on Black, but  _ well _ , he isn’t fifteen anymore. 

Lupin comes back, arms full of small bottles that he sets up neatly in a row beside the sliced pieces of fruit. Severus mumbles his thanks, pours the wine and orange juice into the pot and lights the fire on the stove. He reduces the flame a bit, as he wants the wine to simmer, but not to boil. He then adds the sliced oranges, lemons and apples, as well as two cloves, two cinnamon sticks, two star anise and three cardamom pods. At last he cuts the vanilla pod and scrapes out the core and mixes it into the wine. 

He realizes that it has been silent for a few minutes. He turns around and catches Lupin and Black having a silent conversation with pointed glances and frantic gestures behind his back. He rolls his eyes and sighs. 

“You know what, I should go, leave you both to it. I mean, now all you’ve got to do is wait a few minutes and add some honey and Cointreau at the end. So, I think even you can manage that.” 

Black looks relieved and opens his mouth, but before he gets the chance to say anything, Lupin says: “No, of course you’ll have to stay, Severus. Drink a cup with us.” 

There it is the awkward silence again.  _ What is Lupin trying to accomplish here?  _ Black looks like his teeth are stuck together by one of Dumbledore's Lemon Drops.  _ I should go. But that would make Black happy.  _

“Well,” Severus says in a drawl. “If you insist, then I’ll stay,” he smiles smugly at Black, turns around and stirs the Mulled Wine, waiting for _ something _ to happen. 

The kitchen remains silent, candles floating slowly around the room, casting dancing shadows on the wall. In the background the radio announces Celestina Warbeck's newest Christmas single “Hope springs eternal”. Severus is standing at the stove, stirring. Behind him there is a silent but ferocious battle of angry looks and calming gestures. The tension in the room can be felt like crackling in the air. The liquid in the large pot on the stove steams and a spicey, fruity scent spreads throughout the kitchen and wakes up memories...

_ “Scent is our greatest, most potent form of time travel, like an arrow. It tears through layers. It finds the center.” (Victoria Erickson) _

Severus stares into the swirling red liquid, his gaze following the star anise moving in circles as he continues stirring. Behind him Lupin suddenly starts to chuckle. 

“Do you remember the first time Lily made mulled wine for us, Sirius?” he asks. 

“Yes, of course,” Black answers, his voice still sounding a bit strained. “It was the first year we all celebrated Christmas together after Hogwarts,” he adds, sounding more conciliatory. “James and Lily had just moved into the house in Godric’s Hollow. James bought this huge Christmas tree and put it into the living room. We all decorated it together. James and me, we both had some of the Potters’ old Christmas decorations, everything was red and gold of course, little lion heads chanting Christmas songs, disrupted by the occasional roaring, small brooms zipping around the tree.” 

Severus rolls his eyes. _Why had Lily put up with…_ _No!_ That was a forbidden thought, a road he didn’t go down any longer. 

“You brought all these hand knitted ornaments that you’d made yourself. You enchanted them so that they changed color and they smelled delicious,” Black continues, talking to Lupin. Severus can hear the smile on his lips. “They looked awful though,” Black adds with a small chuckle. “All wobbly and with holes in them.” On his left, Lupin pretends to look hurt, but Severus can see the joy in his eyes and the way he looks at Black. “Lily had a bunch of stuff that she had made with her sister as a kid. Angles made out of noodles, paper stars, painted nut shells.” Severus’ hands tremble a bit. He has a small box with a few of Lily’s paper stars in it. She had given them to him, when they were about ten years old. 

“Of course the tree wasn’t big enough in James' opinion.” Lupin’s voice interrupts Severus' thoughts. “So when we finally finished decorating, the idiot cast  _ engorgio  _ on the tree and it grew really fast and a branch knocked James’ off his feet, he went down and lost his wand. Lily and I didn’t have our wands at hand. And _ you _ ,” Lupin looks accusingly at Black, who has started laughing. “You were laughing so hard that you couldn’t say the counterspell. The tree kept growing and James completely vanished behind a thicket of branches. We just heard him yelling. The whole living room was overrun by tree branches until Lily finally found her wand and stopped the tree from growing, but she forbade us to help James to get out. Instead we went to the kitchen and we had mulled wine.” 

“Oh the look on James’ face when he finally emerged, sticky from all the resin, covered in needles.” Black says delightedly. The two men fall silent, obviously lost in the memory. 

Severus stares into the mulled wine.  _ Of course _ he can imagine the childish fool’s face,  _ arrogant and without a care in the world _ . Angrily he opens the bottle of Cointreau and pours some (maybe a bit more than intended) of the transparent liquid into the pot. Then he adds two big spoons of honey and stirs again, trying to get Potters’ face out of his head. At last he reaches for the ladle, hanging on the wall above the stove, and silently summons three cups. 

“Oh, is the mulled wine ready?” Lupin asks, sounding like an excited child on Christmas Eve. He approaches Severus and takes two of the filled cups and hands one over to Black, before sitting down at the table as well. Severus is clutching his cup, suddenly feeling awkward. Standing at the stove, back turned towards Black had been manageable,  _ but what now _ ? He reluctantly turns around, but decides to remain standing, leaning against the kitchen counter. Lupin looks at him for a moment and Severus groans inwardly, fearing that the man will make him sit down as well. But then Lupin just raises his cup and says: “To Lily.” 

“To Lily,” Black repeats and with a heavy heart, Severus raises his cup towards these two men he can’t stand and mutters: “To Lily.” 

The drink is warm and sweet. The spices mingle together with the taste of oranges and apples. Severus allows himself a self-indulgent smile.  _ I really am good at making potions _ .

“Severus that tastes delicious. It’s exactly like her’s.” Lupin breathes. 

Severus casts a glance towards Black, who takes small sips from his cup, eyes distant.  _ Well, a thank you from Sirius Black is probably too much to ask for. _

But then Black nods and says: “It really does taste exactly the same. Thank you, I guess.” The last four words are uttered so quietly that Severus isn’t quite sure he’s really heard them. 

After a few sips Black starts talking again, hesitantly at first. “She made mulled wine for me on the night Regulus died.” Lupin looks up sharply from his cup. “Moody found his body. I didn’t know where to go, because-” Severus catches the look that passes between Black and Lupin. “Well... because we weren’t talking at the moment and I knew James was away on some Order mission. So I went to Lily. I was in shock, felt distant and cold. She sat me down, wrapped me up in a blanket with a heating charm and then she made mulled wine for me. For a while we just sat there drinking and then she started talking about her sister. She talked about their relationship and how devastated she was, that they didn’t talk to each other anymore. How much she loved her. She talked until I came back to my senses. And then she listened. Like really listened to me, for hours. As I talked about Regulus and about our childhood. How it was, growing up here.” Black gestures at the kitchen dismissively. “We both cried a lot that night. And we had a lot of mulled wine,” he chuckles sadly. 

Lupin stretches his arm across the table and squeezes Black’s hand, a pained look on his face.

“I already liked Lily, before that, but you know, we never hang out at school much. I mean, she had been  _ your _ friend for years,” he nods at Lupin. “Well, yours as well, I guess,” he adds with a bemused look towards Severus. “But to me she had always been this girl James was obsessed about. And then they got together and it took me some time to-” he pauses, searching for the right word. “To adjust to sharing James with someone else. But after that night, something changed and she became part of my family. I would have died for her, you know?” The last sentence is directed at Severus and he freezes. 

Lupin stands up abruptly. “Who needs a refill?” he asks, trying to mask the tightness in his voice and failing. 

Black looks back at Lupin and mumbles: “Yeah sure.” 

Severus nods slowly, glad that the moment is over. Lupin points his wand at the pot on the stove and Severus watches as the cup in his hands refills itself with warm, red liquid. He takes several large gulps. Black’s story has left him with a deep sadness. He can see it vividly in his mind, Lily wrapping Black in a blanket, talking to him, consoling him. 

“Lily always knew how to take care of people. How to make them feel safe and loved,” the words tumble out of Severus' mouth before he can stop them and he feels heat rising to his face. He takes another swig.  _ Screw it.  _ “We were in fifth grade when I taught her how to make mulled wine. It had been a horrible day, there was some bullying involved. Mostly by Avery and… you guys, of course,” Severus looks at the floor, not wanting to see the reaction of the other two men. “I was so angry. She found me somewhere in a courtyard. Punching a wall, making a fool of myself.” Severus takes another sip of his mulled wine, before he continues. 

“She made me go to the hospital wing to get my hands healed and then she took me to the kitchens. She asked the house elves if we could use the ovens and we made cookies for hours. She knew that making potions soothed me, so she found the next best thing.” Severus smiles. “The thing I liked most about Lily was that she was brilliant and she had the most wicked humour. You should have seen the house elves blushing at her jokes.”

Lupin laughs softly at Severus’ words and nods. “She certainly was one of the most funny people I’ve ever met,” he whispers. 

“And then I taught her how to make mulled wine.” Severus' heart starts beating very fast and he knows he should stop talking.  _ Shut up, you fool.  _ But it’s like a broken dam, the words spill out, after being trapped inside of him for years. “And we got drunk, very drunk. I know we kept making fun about you, Potter especially. And then-” his breath gets caught. He looks toward the others. Lupin looks at him, while Black stares at the table with a stony face. 

“You kissed her?” Lupin asks, voice carefully neutral. 

“She kissed me actually,” Snape responds with a shrug. “I don’t know why she did it. She never felt about me like I did about her. I guess I already knew that back then, but of course I hoped. I was a fool, a fifteen year old boy in love. And when she apologized to me the next day, asking me if we could stay friends and... forget about it, I was devastated. I didn’t really talk to her for weeks.” 

“Was that why you called her  _ that slur _ after we took our O.W.L.s.? That day when James let you dangle in the air?” Black asks, voice a low growl. 

“You mean when your best friend bullied and humiliated me in front of the whole school?” Severus responds, face suddenly white as a sheet.

Black stares at him, eyes full of anger. “You know, I found her that day. Later, crying by the lake. She was devastated, but of course she wouldn’t talk to me back then.” Black rises from his chair and walks towards Severus. Stopping mere inches in front of him. “Yes, James was a bully. He was an arrogant, spoiled prat actually. He regretted it later, when he got more mature, but it doesn’t change the fact that we were horrible to you. But Lily, she never did anything to you. She defended you  _ always _ . And you.” he looks Severus up and down, like a particularly nasty piece of furniture. “You were ashamed of her. Ashamed of being seen with a Muggleborn. You didn’t deserve her.” 

Severus looks at Black’s steely grey eyes, realizing that Lupin has got up as well, wand in hand, as if preparing to step in at any moment. “I know, Black,” Severus says calmly. “If you think that you can hurt me with your words then let me tell you that I’ve said them to myself a million times before. You think I care about how much you hate me?” He shakes his head, a cold smile on his face. “Believe me, your hate can never be as strong as the hate I feel for myself.” 

The kitchen is silent until Black nods shortly, steps around Severus, grabs the ladle and fills his cup for a third time. “You want more?” he asks no one in particular. Instead of an answer Severus just pushes his empty cup in Black’s direction, while Remus walks towards them, looking like he’s waiting for one of them to draw their wand. Severus steps aways from the stove, finally deciding to sit down at the table. He can feel the first hints of tipsiness as he watches Black refilling Lupin’s cup. 

“Lily was my first friend at Hogwarts,” Lupin says after all three men have settled down at the table. Black grumbles and Lupin smiles at him affectionately. “I was so scared about going to school, having to keep my secret. I felt awful the first few weeks and we ended up talking a lot. She was overwhelmed too, being muggleborn and all that. She missed her family a lot.” A small pause. “She also was the first one to ask me about my feelings for you.” Lupin continues, smiling at Black. 

“Really?” the other man asks, brushing a lock of dark brown hair behind his ear, face looking oddly embarrassed. Severus takes a swig of his mulled wine, feeling oddly out of place, witnessing this moment. 

“She said that I should talk to you, but of course I never did.” Lupin says wistfully. “I always used the argument that I didn’t want to jeopardize our friendship as an excuse. She was furious about that. ‘Everyone with eyes can clearly see that the idiot likes you too!’” Lupin imitates Lily’s voice. 

“What? I was  _ not _ that obvious!” Black exclaims indignantly. 

“You were.” Severus chimes in dryly. “Both of you. Everyone at school knew that you were into each other. People had bets running on when you were going to go on a first date and who’d ask whom. Come to think of it, Cameron owes me a galleon, because I said you would leave Hogwarts without ever talking about it and I was right, wasn’t I?” Black and Lupin both stare at him, not saying a word. “Thought so.” Severus smiles, taking another gulp from his mulled wine.  _ He’d really done an excellent job with the drink. _

As the night goes on, the mulled wine slowly empties (actually not that slowly, but it keeps refilling itself, so no one notices) and the three men revel in memories of old friends and forgotten stories. They carefully avoid talking about certain things like Death Eaters and the war, about Peter Pettigrew and stupid pranks gone too far. At one point a small house elf with large hairy ears pokes his head through the door and wonders aloud why his useless traitor of a Master suddenly seems to get along with the large bat like man he usually hates. But no one notices him. 

After the last cup is drained and all the apples - that have soaked in wine for hours - are eaten, Severus slowly rises from the chair, realizing that the kitchen is swaying a bit and that he can’t focus on the moving candles anymore. 

“This changes nothing!” he glares at Lupin and Black. “Because I’m so drunk, I think I won’t remember anything,” he hiccups and tries to turn around in his signature precise swirl of swinging black cloak, but only manages to crash into a chair. Lupin and Black are both roaring with laughter. 

“Maybe you should sleep here, Snivellus.” Black says. 

“You wish!” Snape grumbles. 

“Did he just say ‘You wish’!?” Black stares at Lupin in horror. The latter is clutching his stomach, laughing so hard that no sound comes out of his mouth. 

***

_ “Life is in redemption. Each moment is a new birth. A new chance to come back, to get it right. A new chance to make it better.” (Yasmin Mogahed) _

The cold air hits Severus in the face as soon as he steps outside the battered old door of Grimmauld Place number 12. It’s freezing, but at least he feels a little bit more sober. The steps leading down to the pavement are slippery and Severus nearly falls, when he hears someone say his name behind him. He turns around. On top of the stairs stands Black with a reluctant and uncertain expression on his face. 

“Yes?” Severus asks perplexed. 

“You know... about what you said earlier? That my hate for you will never be as strong as the hate you have for yourself?” Black asks. 

“Yes Black, I remember my own words.” Severus answers hesitantly, weary about what will be said next. He should have known that an amicable end of the night had been unrealistic.

“Self-hatred is the easy way out. It will  _ not  _ make you a better man.” Black says, not in his typical mocking or accusing tone, but slowly, like he’s choosing the words carefully. 

“I’m risking my life every single day to make  _ him _ pay for what he’s done to Lily. How can you stand there and tell me that what I’m doing is the easy way out? That I’m not trying to become a better man?” Severus hisses, hot anger rising in his chest, aimed at Black, but also at himself.  _ You should have never entered this fucking house.  _

“Risking your life by being a spy does  _ not _ absolve you from the fact that you have been treating Harry like a piece of shit, since he was  _ eleven _ years old. It does  _ not  _ change that you have outed Remus as a werewolf to the world two years ago, making it impossible for him to find a job. It does  _ not _ stop you from behaving like a bitter man who is shutting the world out, by being nasty and insufferable.” Severus is momentarily stunned into silence.

“You have done something horrible, but hating yourself doesn’t make it better. It actually makes it worse. By hating yourself, you don’t believe that you can change. And so you defend all your fucked up actions - like blaming a  _ child  _ for his father’s cruelty - by telling yourself that you are just a shitty human being.” 

Severus opens his mouth to say something, but he can form no words, doesn’t know how to react. 

“I know, Snape, that deep inside, you know how unreasonable and disgusting your hatred of Harry is and you feel bad about it. But what is that compared to the shame of having betrayed his mother, the person you loved most?”

“Shut up.” Severus croaks. “You don’t know me, Black.”

“No, you are right, I don’t know you Snape, but I know a lot about self-hatred. I have stayed in Azkaban for twelve years, even though I had figured out how to escape that bloody prison after four. I just didn’t think that I deserved to be free. I didn’t deserve to go and find Remus. To tell him that it had been  _ my _ idea to make Peter Lily and James’ Secret Keeper. That I was sorry for not trusting him with the secret. I could have taken Harry away from the Dursleys  _ years ago _ , allowed myself to be the godfather Lily and James wanted me to be. I could have been with Remus for years, have a real life with him, not these stolen moments that we have now. So yes, I know about self-hatred and about shame. But I’ve come to realize that I’m not helping anyone by making myself suffer for it, by not at least trying to forgive myself and be a better man.”

“How?” Severus asks and he is ashamed of how pleading his voice sounds. 

“I don’t know,” Black sighs. There is a short silence. Interrupted only by the soft noise of snow falling around them and the distant sound of the Muggle city being alive, even at this time of night. “It sometimes feels like I’m taking three steps forward and then five steps backward, but I’m trying. I’m trying to let go. To remember the good and wonderful moments without immediately blaming myself. I allow myself to grieve.” And then after a moment he adds: “I guess it starts with evenings like this one.” 

*** *** ***

Maybe it only takes one question, a heavenly tasting batch of mulled wine, or a slightly drunken conversation at the end of an evening to change the course of history. Maybe Severus stops by Grimmauld Place more often, always under the pretext of important Order business, of course. Maybe he ends up having half decent conversations with his two former enemies. Sometimes they still yell at each other, but mostly they talk and laugh and heal. 

Maybe, when Severus returns to Hogwarts to teach Occlumency to a young frightened and overwhelmed boy, he remembers how he himself had felt all those years ago. And maybe at the end of the year, Harry Potter trusts his teacher enough to wait and accept help before making a rash decision. Maybe that is what keeps Sirius from falling through the Veil. Then a few months later, Severus appears at Grimmauld Place visibly distressed and confides in his former enemy. Tells him that he is supposed to kill Albus Dumbledore. Maybe Sirius helps him to carry that burden and keeps his promise of not telling anyone, in order to keep them all safe. 

Maybe Sirius being at the battle of Hogwarts will keep Remus alive. Together they can save Severus after he gets attacked by Nagini. Maybe Harry Potter doesn’t have to learn about the role he has to play in the war from some memories, but from his mother’s three remaining friends.

Maybe after many years, taking three steps forwards and five steps backwards will have led somewhere new. 

*** *** ***

Eleven Years Later...

Severus climbs the three steps leading to the door of Grimmauld Place number 12, leaning on a black walking stick. He looks at the new red door with the lion knocker, snorts and rolls his eyes. He rings the doorbell, knowing that there is no need to be quiet anymore. The door gets ripped open after a second and a pregnant Ginny opens the door, face beaming. 

“It’s Severus!” she yells into the house, and in a lower voice. “Welcome, it’s great that you are here, everyone is waiting for you.” 

“Did he bring the mulled wine?” a deep voice yells from inside. Ginny rolls her eyes. 

“I swear to you, you don’t only get invited for the mulled wine, I promise!” she laughs as she ushers him inside, closing the door behind him.

As Severus enters the kitchen a small boy with unruly ginger hair runs towards him. “Snivellus!” he yells and throws his arms around Severus' leg. Severus pats the boy awkwardly on the head. 

“I have something for you,” he mumbles and takes a small wrapped present out of his pocket. The small boy’s eyes grow huge as he rips the present out of Severus’ hands and runs towards Remus. 

“Moooney, look what I got from Snivellus!” Remus makes an awed face and takes the small boy in his arms. 

“Do you want to put the present under the Christmas tree with me, James?” he asks. 

Severus strolls over to where Sirius and Harry are squabbling over something cooking on the stove. The doorbell rings and a minute later a horde of Weasleys enter the kitchen, adults greeting each other and a bunch of kids running around, nearly knocking Severus off his feet. 

Half an hour later they all sit around a huge table, magically enlarged for the occasion. They eat delicious food and the adults drink mulled wine. When they are finished eating, the time of stories begins and the kids listen to the adults talk about all the people they’ve loved and lost...

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Abbey for reading it first.   
> And thanks to Abbey and Sabrina for calming my nerves. :)


End file.
